Talking Back to Talk-Shows

I listen to "KIRO Newsradio"...oh no, sorry...now it's"KIRO 710 News-Talk"...a lot in my car. It's the Number One Pre-Set on my car-radio. If I hit the "Band" button to the Frequency Modulation side of the spectrum, then KUOW is the Number One Pre-Set. The ironic thing is I worked for both of these stations at one time, and after working each place, they were the last stations I'd want to listen to. Familiarity breeds contempt, but absence makes the heart grow fonder, so they're both at the places they are now. I can listen to anything on KUOW, but KIRO I'm a bit more selective. I like the Morning News, Dave Ross, Ron and Don and the 6 o'clock News (which is a welcome addition), but I'm not a fan of Dori Monson or Frank Shiers' shows...the latter I've had dealings with, and have the choice not to. But what's more irritating than those shows are the folks who call their programs...and, frankly, everybody's programs on every station that does a call-in show...and waste the valuable discussion time in-between the "dead-air" of the various "trade-out" commercials. *

As I said , I used to work in radio, but I don't now. I always found it easy to talk on the air (that's a story for another time), but if I had the wherewithal (or just the lowered standards) to permit such a travesty to happen again, I would probably jump down the throat of anybody who did any of the following nine examples of "foot-in-mouth" disease for calling-in on a "talk-show." These things drive me nuts. They don't add anything to a show. In fact, they take away and distract from any succinct discussion that might occur (should it occur). My solution to any of these would be to pull a "Larry King" (no, not jabber incoherently...the old Larry King) and just cut them off...fast. Here are my rules of thumb, if I ruled a talk-show.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. Get to the point. Just say it.

2. Do NOT say, "Hi, this is Joe from Steilacoom," right after the host has said, "Let's hear from Joe in Steilacoom." It establishes that a) you're an idiot and b) you don't listen. See 1.

3. Do NOT try and listen to yourself on the radio. Most talk-shows are on a seven second delay so they can anticipate and cut off any obscene remarks. Listen through your phone. That way we're all spared the long delay as you're listening for the question that will show up seven seconds later on your radio. If the talk-show host is smart, they'll just hang up on you when you don't respond after a second or two. Most often when someone doesn't answer their initial welcome, it's because they're listening to their radio, rather than through their phone. The other reason to not listen is the replay of the show delayed seven seconds bleeding into the phone which is very distracting, hence the usual call to "Turn down your radio!" And see No. 1.

4. Nobody cares if you're a "Long-Time Listener/First-Time Caller." So what? See 1.**

5. Don't waste time by thanking the host for taking your call. Of COURSE, they're going to take your call! It is their Job! See also 1.

6. Don't waste time asking how the host "is" or how they're "doing." They have a job. They made it to work. Anything else is a) not your business and b) irrelevent. See also 1.

7. Don't waste time with long ego-fulfilling preambles ("Yes, I've been a small-business-owning-veteran Muslim for twenty years now...and that gives me a unique...") It's only interesting to YOU, and deadly dull for the listener. See also 1.

8. Don't say "like I told your screener"--we haven't been privy to this conversation, nor are we supposed to know there IS a screener. Just say your piece even if, god forbid, you have to say it twice in 20 minutes! See also 1.

9. Don't call drunk--not even if it's only sports talk. Believe me, you may think you sound articulate in this condition, but you're not. See also both 1's.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Clip and Save: Cut along dotted line, and tape to your cell-phone for instant reminders!!

The best call-in talk show I heard came, surprisingly, when Ron Upshaw of "Ron and Don" was doing a talk-show solo. I don't know how he did this, but it had to have been well-coordinated with the producer, and the callers had to have been alert. He'd bring up a topic, and go to his first caller. Then he'd sum up what they said, and go to the next call by sequeing from that wrap-up to "what do you think about that, Joe from Steilacoom," who, amazingly, started to answer the question, and he just followed up a string of five phone-calls that were diverse, had a fascinating dialogue quality, and it just flew by seamlessly. It was the talk-show equivalent of balancing spinning plates, and one of the most thrilling examples of "Live and Lively" talk I've ever heard. Wish there was more of that.


* In "the biz," a "trade-out" is a commercial that is paid for, not by cash but in return for services--tickets to games, giveaways, promotions or 3/4 of Dori Monson's new house...

** I think people say this a) because they don't want the host to be "mean" to them, b) cover their nervousness or ineptitude, or c) they really don't have anything better to say. Just once I'd like to hear someone say, "Long-Time Caller/First-Time Listener" just to see what the host says.