But Seriously...

They say music soothes the savage breast, but I'd make a case for humor. Ask any public speaker cowering behind a lectern, the best way to open a speech is with a joke. A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down.

It works! Take President Bush (Please!! *Ba-dum-bum*). My approval rating for him went up a tenth of a point--to roughly a tenth of a point--when he appeared at one of those White House Correspondent suck-ups, er, dinners. His opening shot: "Last year at this time my approval rating was in the low 30's...my Supreme Court nominee had just withdrawn...and my Vice-President had just shot someone in the face! (pause) *sigh* Those were the good old days!"

Good line. In fact, a perfect line. Everyone I've told that joke to, even rabid Bush-haters, have chuckled and said something like "That's really good!" or "Didn't know he had it in him!" To disarm, to ingratiate, to pull one to your side--there's nothing like a good joke to do that.

I used to read those "Peanuts" collections* as a kid, and, being the annoying sprat I was, every time I came across one I thought was especially good I felt I had to read it out loud to any hapless adult near-by. I wanted to see their reaction. I wanted to see if what made me laugh, made them laugh.

I still want to do that. So every once in a while, I'll tell one of the jokes that have left a permanent divit in my brain over the years. If I've remembered this many years, it must be good.

Well, I think they're good, anyway.
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The Obscene Parrot

A man had a parrot with behavioral problems: it would curse like a sailor. Whatever the man tried, the parrot would not stop cursing. Rewards, punishments, ignoring the bird--they only made matters, and the bird's vocabulary, worse. It got so bad, that people stopped coming to his house because of the constant stream of verbal abuse.

Finally, the man became so fed up that in desperation he grabbed the parrot, threw it in his freezer and slammed the door. The parrot's muffled obscenities continued for many minutes.

Then, it abruptly stopped.

The man became alarmed: Did he just freeze his parrot to death?

He opened the freezer door, to see the parrot looking chastised. The parrot looked at him and spoke. "I know my behavior has been terrible, and I've tried your patience and for that I really am sincerely sorry. I realize now the problems I've caused you and I regret the suffering I created, and I vow to never again betray your trust and from hereon out, never use such terrible language again, if you will only forgive me."

"Well, sure!" said the man. "C'mon out."

"Thank you!" said the parrot who hopped out of the freezer onto the counter. "Thank you very much! Now that that's over, can you tell me one thing?

What exactly did that chicken do?"
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Bumper sticker of the day: Mid-wives help people out
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* Now, of course, Fantagraphics Books has come out with those definitive "Peanuts" collections that collect everthing in two-year chunks with an archaeological zeal. There's a wealth of surprises in them. Sparky would be proud...well, tinged with guilt and a sense of unworthiness. "Good Grief!"